| And thats the ultimate sin |
[Oct. 11th, 2009|04:00 pm] |
I wanted to die this weekend.
Thursday I began to pass kidney stones. Let me tell you, its everything its cracked up to be. Intense, long-lasting pain. A complete inability to get comfortable. Nausea so fierce it caused me to throw up not just pure water, but also anti-nausea pills.
But that wasnt it.
Sure, the pain was terrible. But Rumi was there for me, even missing work one day. I was pretty needy, screaming for a bowl, or some bread, or whatever seemed as big as life at that moment. I got through it, and one of the most amazing things about the human mind is how easily and efficiently it forgets pain. No residual, nothing. Its over.
Those same two words are a pointed reminder of just exactly has happened. I had a friend for 20 years. His mom went to high school with my mom. He is gone now. He hasnt died, instead he has gone from being a person to being a zealot. I dont think he misses the friendship, he only cares about his cause.
I miss the friendship. |
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| I woke on impact, under surveillance |
[Jul. 14th, 2009|05:59 pm] |
Its been a long time. I have abandoned the journal for a myriad of reasons, but who knows, maybe I will make a comeback. I dont know if it needs one.
Today I felt a strong link to my past, but this was not a nostalgic reminiscence. Instead it was a shocking blow to the ego. But it does show how I have changed, and how skills, no matter how ingrained, can be lost over time if not studied specifically.
I got into an argument today. I love discussions, and I have them often, though not often enough. But the art of the argument has been totally lost on me. I am so attached to my keyboard that my ability to think on my feet has been completely worn away by apathy.
Today I sat here knowing that the correct argument lives inside me, but instead I reverted to my animal nature and just attacked. And attacked. And attacked. The ferocity was somewhat tame compared to the old days, but over the top compared to current standards.
Here I was arguing passionately and making little sense. Yet, strangely enough, looking back that reaction proved my argument.
People when they are scared are more violent, not less violent (animalistic). To truly eradicate violence and war the rational portion of the mind must be reached, and this is impossible through irrational fear.
I dont know what I am afraid of. Something is wrong, that much is clear. But Im not sure what. And I certainly am not sure how to solve it. |
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| But I ended up taking a taxi |
[Apr. 10th, 2009|01:34 am] |
Its the saddest song I have ever heard, and it has a sequel (didnt know that until tonight). I never write here anymore. I have no idea what to say. My LJ has pretty much always disappointed me, like so many things in life. That sounds so emo, yet its completely true.
I talked to Liz today, its been so long since I have had any real time interaction with her, probably 10+ years (I could be wrong). My life has all these great things, yet there are gaping holes which refuse to get filled.
Ideas; its always ideas. Nobody I speak with currently cares about them like I do.
The Stranger lives inside me: Don died a few weeks ago, I cant remember how long. Not verbatim, but all true. The funeral was a freakin sham, and the celebration of life not much better. With all the things that have been happening, its pathetic that the only thing that can bring me to tears is Harry Chapin.
And he is dead too. |
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| Taco Truck in the Snow |
[Dec. 25th, 2008|12:01 am] |
Its been fucking forever since I wrote in this damn journal. I guess there are probably a lot of reasons why, but suffice to say they are probably not worth rehashing at present.
What has happened in the 7 months absence?
My sister got married.
I lost my job.
I started Casino dealing school.
I went to Vegas (Rumis brother hates me).
It snowed a freakin hell of a lot here, more than I have seen before.
I walked to the Taco truck in Burien. Thats right, its important. I have never been to a taco truck. We walked there Monday in the deep snow. It was a good experience.
Things will be changing. I will probably be quitting all of my fantasy leagues. Its a big deal, one of them I have been in for 19 seasons. Hopefully a new one I can enjoy will begin, but if not, so be it, sports will no longer be a part of my life.
Thats what 7 months looks like in a nutshell. |
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| I am, I am, I am, I wanna get close to you |
[May. 16th, 2008|11:05 pm] |
After all of this Karaoke Revolution and Singstar it seems the facts are in. I can sing with grunge singers, and thats about it. Besides that, I am pretty much the worst singer ever. I got booed off the stage once 13 times in a row.
Strangely, however, my best score ever was on I Ran, by Flock of Seagulls, followed by Alive by Pearl Jam, Plush by Stone Temple Pilots and Vasoline by STP. I also do ok on Would by Pearl Jam.
Boy I love to sing. Too bad I am so terrible at it. I would give everything I have to sing instead of whatever other crappy skills I have. |
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| Black Velveteen knows all the night spots in France |
[May. 6th, 2008|10:56 pm] |
I picked up my sister from the airport about 15 minutes ago. For those of you keeping score, last time I went to pick her up a sheriff rear ended me. Not this time. Mucho better.
Jason: How was your trip?
Chelsi: I met Cuba Gooding Jr. He motor-boated my boobs. He is kind of a pervert.
Rad. Seriously. |
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| Grease is the way we are feeling |
[Mar. 29th, 2008|10:06 pm] |
Its easy to stay positive when things are working. Its pretty easy to remain optimistic through a bad thing or two. It is rather standard to keep your chin up through a little bit of a rough patch. Sometimes, things are a lot more difficult.
Earlier this week I got my car fixed from my accident in November. Yeah, its been a while. And in typical insurance fashion, I am getting screwed out of $400. I will need to make a call and see if I can salvage this money, but suffice it to say, nobody who ever reads this should have Progressive as their insurance company. If you do, cancel them. Tell them why (their douchebaggy handling of PiP claims). Heck, tell them its due to Johnathan Fontes (the adjuster).
Finally, my car was fixed.
Thursday night my house got down to 56 degrees. Turns out I was without heating oil. I had to go to the oil company and have them come show me how to check it. On the way, I went to an Estate sale.
I love those things. But, due to time and everything, even though I was there super early (I had to leave to meet the gas company), I ended up waiting in line for a half hour. I only got to see about 1/4 of the stuff I wanted, because the rest sold.
At least I got a little. Not bad.
Then I heard from Dale. Could be another cry of wolf, but I am optimistic about getting compensated for my missing comics. I wont hold my breath, however.
I took Rumi to the Palace, after all I say about it, I was disappointed. After the hundreds of meals I have eaten there, this was one of the worst. Even the egg roll was not up to standard (still good).
Then the coup de grace. I fuckin wrecked my car today. Rear ended some kid on Cooper Point road. He was totally cool about it, but now my car is freakin smashed in the front. There goes another $500 (deductible).
I am reminded of an Elton John line: Things can only get better. |
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| Every single one of us, the devil inside |
[Feb. 11th, 2008|08:19 pm] |
My new creation:
The Dark Shadows drinking game
1 drink: Overly Dramatic Music
1 drink: Shadows or other evidence of crew members
1 drink: Cast member flubs a line
1 drink: Everyone in the room laughs
1 drink: Homosexual innuendo involving Barnabas
Finish your drink: Homosexual innuendo involving anyone else
Finish your drink: Episode ends abruptly
This is gonna be awesome. I need to recruit some players. |
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| I didnt ask for sunshine, and I got world war 3 |
[Feb. 10th, 2008|11:02 pm] |
Today was my first day without any real plans in a while. It was pretty good. We went to a couple of Half Price books, then had Mongolian, and finally did a weeks worth of shopping. When we came back I made lasagna and Rumi made baked Juneau.
After that the real fun began. Oh yes, I said it. First, we played Curse of the Mummy's Tomb. I got stuck in a damn passageway for about 15 consecutive turns trying to roll a 1 or 2 on a 12 sided die to no avail. Eventually Matt#2 won. Then to change things up, we played the Six Million Dollar Man board game. Holy crap that was terrible. Matt's dumb ass won that too. Then we topped the evening off with Scotland Yard. Rumi played Mr X and we found her a little over halfway through the game.
Yesterday we went to see Cloverfield. This was the third time we had attempted to go. It is probably the final attempt, even though it was unsuccessful.
Background: When I saw Blair Witch, Skippy and I sat up front because the theater was packed. I got sick, but not so sick that I couldnt finish the movie.
This time we had food right before the movie, then we bought candy and munched beforehand. Bad plan. I got so sick I was very near throwing up. Too bad, the movie looked interesting.
This weekend just reinforced my opinion that work just gets in the way of the things I want to do. No longer is it enabling me to do the things I want, instead it is an obstacle limiting the amount of things I am allowed to do. |
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| Its the end of everything |
[Feb. 7th, 2008|10:34 pm] |
A week or so ago I bought Dark Shadows on DVD from Half Price Books. I had never seen the show before, but I have thought of watching it many times. I just started watching it last night, and boy is it melodramatic. The music is really overt. It isnt what I expected. I knew it was a soap opera, yet it isnt at all like the garbage seen on daytime television.
I still havent decided what I think of it.
The show moves slowly, and its obvious that it was done live. Yet, somehow it has an appeal. For such a melodramatic show, the subtlety is interesting.
Lately I have become borderline obsessed with the idea of not working, or at the very least drastically reducing it. I need to have another way of supporting myself. Work is what we need to do so we can do the things we want to do. Yet, it seems that working 5 days per week completely precludes doing the things I want. I am not certain how I can manage it, I just know I will.
I just got out of the hot tub. Man am I relaxed. |
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| Wont prevent safe passage here |
[Jan. 28th, 2008|08:14 pm] |
I have done a pretty terrible job of making a decent impression on Rumi's friends. This is pretty much my MO. Its almost a habit nowadays. Yet, it hasnt all been my natural standoffishness this time. Yes, the fates themselves have conspired against me. Heathen fucking bitches. Clip the goddamned strands.
Last thursday I may have done the nerdiest/geekiest thing of my entire life.
Yep, I said it. Thats a real statement there. And it wasnt even of my own volition, though I am glad I was invited to attend.
What is it, you might ask, that has transcended the custom painted Sub-Mariner briefcase (gasp)? I went to a video game symphony. You heard that right. Its a symphony where they play music from video games.
And so, bitchy fates, here begun your vile games at my expense. Those who know me know I dont play video games. Those who know me well know that I pretty much despise most of them. They are little more than a flowchart with graphics.
Dont get me wrong, the graphics nowadays and fuckin sweet.
Why did I go? It seemed like it could be fun, and it pretty much was. Yet, as the night wore on it was clear I could add nothing to all the conversations about upcoming video game songs. Here I am, with Rumi and her peeps, pretty much silent and stone faced. Great impression #1.
Then comes the weekend. Sunday is one of her friends birthday. So of course, Saturday I start feeling sick. By Sunday I have a terrible sore throat and sinus infection, which of course makes me a wonderful fun guy. I probably said 10 words all day.
They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Whether this is true or not, I dont know. |
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| mbmbmbmbmbmbmbmbmbmbmbmb Moron Brothers! |
[Jan. 10th, 2008|09:19 pm] |
I took this test for the hell of it. Its about what I thought I believed, except I would have put McCain above Giuliani.
69% Hillary Clinton
68% Chris Dodd
65% John Edwards
64% Barack Obama
62% Rudy Giuliani
61% Joe Biden
57% Bill Richardson
53% Mike Gravel
50% Dennis Kucinich
50% John McCain
48% Mitt Romney
43% Mike Huckabee
43% Tom Tancredo
40% Fred Thompson
23% Ron Paul
2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz
The world. Its nuts. In a crazy way. Guess who I got a message from, on Myspace nonetheless... Yep kiddies, you guessed it, Marli. She was in Seattle visiting her parents. She called me on the phone. It was great to hear her voice. She sounded different. I think I would value her friendship.
I also think I am probably retarded for even considering it.
Work has been out of control this week. Im pretty sick of it.
Next weekend I go snowboarding for the first time in my life. I am looking forward to it.
Oh, and the hot tub has been wonderful the last week. My back and neck were killing me, and its helped a bunch.
Its 9:25 and I am wiped out. |
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| Shut the door baby, dont say a word |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008|07:23 pm] |
There was once a time where I had trouble sleeping. Those days are long freakin gone. Now Im practically a narcoleptic.
New Years eve I picked up Rumi at the airport at 10:30 or so, and came back to my house. South Park, Bigger, Longer, Uncut was on Comedy Central, and we saw a little bit of it. Then when it was near midnight we went out and sat in the hot tub. We had a bottle of this wine she likes, and it was actually pretty good. Not dry at all.
Wine+Hot Tub= sleep.
Man, I got so relaxed I could barely stay awake. I was pretty much passed out by 12:30 or 1. |
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| A cold and wet December day |
[Dec. 30th, 2007|04:59 pm] |
I think I just saw the best movie review ever. Richard Roeper said this about Alvin and the Chipmunks: Its fairly awful.
How succinct...
Its almost next year. New Years Day, or eve, or however you wish to refer to said holiday, has never been important to me. Yet this year, I am excited for it. I have a hot tub and a girl to kiss at midnight. This will certainly be better than the 'I dont recommend it' fiasco.
From the 'shit thats funny in spite of itself' department, yesterday when I walked out to my car I noticed something yucky on the ground, and a little spot of it on my left rear quarter panel. After a little deductive reasoning I determined that a drunk person threw up on my car/driveway Friday night. How quaint.
I saw Sweeney Todd Friday night. I love musicals. I sing Grease or My Fair Lady tunes all the time. I get Anastasia stuck in my head for weeks. This movie had too much singing. Way too damn much. Oh, and for the first time in my life I was repulsed by gore. In other news Sacha Baron Cohen can sing. He also can act.
I kept finding myself thinking: Whats up vanilla face? I fuck-a your wife. Very, very nice.
I am disappointed in the people from VitaminLife. I sent both Amanda and Dean Merry Christmas emails. Neither responded in any way. Boo. |
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| Eyeing little girls with bad intent |
[Dec. 24th, 2007|10:37 pm] |
So, tomorrow is Christmas. In other news, I say 'so' too much. I also say 'its like' way too much. These tics need to be eradicated. It might take effort, so who knows if I will do it.
I dont know why I said that, since the one thing I do tend to have energy for is self improvement. I am sure that there could be more effective uses of my personal enlightenment energy, but truthfully, any self improvement is worthwhile.
That is assuming that it is actually improvement.
Strange how a little thing can make me excited. I made a trade in my simulation baseball league and it energized me. I felt like it was a great deal, and moved my team in a great direction. It has been a lot easier to concentrate on that this year than last. Unlike football, it is actually trending upwards.
On a related note, little things can be quite an annoyance as well. Over the years I have gone from disdainful to apathetic in my opinion of dogs. I can take them or leave them. Generally, they are needy, clumsy and stinky, but since I dont tend to spend lots of time around them, it doesnt matter. Flonase has eradicated my doggie allergies, so there is really no reason to be upset in any way, and I do try to be as logical as I can, even with my feelings.
I had an extended visit with a dog recently, and it was a bit of an exercise in self restraint. This was a purse dog, so the stinkiness and clumsiness were relatively non-existent, yet the neediness was, well, off the charts. I often found myself thinking 'really?', when analyzing the behavior of the animal, and internally shaking my head (picturing myself ripping out my hair). Yet it really didnt take too much effort to remain relatively positive.
Maybe I am becoming more accepting. Maybe I am becoming old. Maybe I have already become. |
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| Behind the boathouse, Ill show you my dark secret |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|08:16 pm] |
This year is nearly over. Man it has flown by quickly. The accident is behind me, yet the pain remains. Its not terrible, or debilitating, but it sure is bothersome.
Things are looking up, though. I thought I was doing terrible at work, yet I got nominated twice for an Action award. I think they give you like $50 or $100 for that...provided you dont work in the office. No big deal, I am not upset by that, since we get benefits and paid holidays and such.
And now for the grand finale. Yes I know that was a fragment goddamn it! I am seeing someone new. She is NOT trying to emigrate from eastern Europe (bonus). More later. |
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| No thought of the con-se-quen-ces |
[Nov. 12th, 2007|10:21 pm] |
Here is a list of things not to do in Burien:
1. Stop at a stoplight.
2. Get rear ended by a Sheriff.
Damn. I am terrible at this. I always do things I shouldnt. |
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| And bad mistakes, I've made a few |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|10:15 pm] |
What the hell is going on? Seriously?
Not a fuckin' thing works properly.
Yet the most frustrating thing ever is: other people forget me a lot easier than I forget them. |
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tunglashr's journal